I felt it coming, and so I did my best to disguise it and told her a joke. Because I needed her smile to be the last thing I saw.
I tried a go at the door but he blocked the way. He cornered me and said:
– Anna, please! – He was really pleading, begging almost.
What was this? What else did he want from me?
– No! – I said, already in tears.
– Please! Just look at me, look at me in the eyes!
– I can’t! Can’t you see how much you hurt me? How broken I am? What else do you want from me?
– I don’t want your pain! – I could hear his voice breaking. – Your pain hurts me too, look at me! – He was definitely crying now. I looked up, into his eyes. I could already feel how he won. – I know I caused that pain and it hurts me possibly even more than it hurts you. Can’t you see it? – He was right. Now that I REALLY saw him I noticed I wasn’t the only one that had been crying for months. He looked even worse that I did, and I looked horrible. He closed his eyes, placed his forehead in mine and kept going. – I don’t want your pain. – Whispering now. – I want to try and make you forget it. I want a second chance. I want to try and earn your trust again. I want to try and be your source of happiness once more. I want to make you love me again.
– Love you again? – I asked. He opened his eyes again but kept his forehead in place. – Why do you think it keeps hurting so much? I haven’t stopped loving you, I don’t think I can. That’s why it hurts. I’ll never stop loving you.
He kissed me then, a melancholic, hungry kiss, full with tears and nostalgy and desperation, like when you drink water after you’ve been lost in the desert for ages.
I know you’re not near me,
you’re miles away.
I know I haven’t met you yet,
I’ve been delayed.
But I know that,
when I do meet you,
I’ll know right away,
And I will love you
from the moment
our eyes connect.
At some point in our relationship, I noticed she had developed a new smile, my smile. I used to see it in her face every time she looked at me, when I made her laugh, when she woke up and saw me watching her, after every single kiss. That smile was reserved especially for me.
After we broke up I realized I missed her when I stopped seeing that smile, my smile. Even when we coincidentally ran into each other on the street, the market, etc. She never smiled at me like that again.
After we broke up I realized I had fucked up badly when I saw her once, with a guy, at the park, giving him my smile.
– It’s just… I don’t think I can handle being hurt like that again. I really don’t think my heart can survive through that again. And right now you’re making it harder for me to be careful with my heart around you. – she said. At that moment her voice was breaking more and more with each sentence.
– Are you really crying? – He asked, surprised. – Dani. No. SHIT. I’ve never seen you cry before.
– That’s because, that night, I left right before the tears came. – he heard through her sobbing. – I’ve never cried for so long and so much in my life. I hurt so bad.
– Don’t tell me this. I’m starting to regret coming here tonight. – he could feel his own cheeks wet.
– No, don’t. I’m telling you this because if we’re going to do this, if I’m giving you a second chance, it is the last chance. And I need to give you my full trust that you won’t do it again, so I’m letting you know how much power you hold in your hands, how much power you’ve always held and always will hold. I’m giving you my whole heart right now
And so he held her heart, and he held her, all night long, even after they both stopped crying, crying tears that were sad at the beginning and ended up being tears of happiness, and hope, and love.