Pain and Desperation

¡Fuck! I’ve never been in so much pain for so long. I don’t know how I’m managing to hold my screams but then I open my eyes and see into the silvery ones that haven’t left my face yet and I know how, I know why.  I can hear their screams again, their laughs his gaze leaves mine at the sound. He turns his head slightly towards the screams, behind my head. I see worry and desperation in his face. They’re getting closer, he has to go! I can’t let them see him, I can’t let them hurt him to death as well. He has to live and there’s only one thing, one person keeping that from happening. I squeeze his hand to turn his attention back to me, and when I see into those eyes again it only gives me more strength.

They’re getting closer – I whisper – It won’t be long ’til they find us. – My voice is strained, it takes so much energy for me to speak and I’m only whispering!

He opens his mouth to say something but I beat him to it.

No, listen. You have to leave. – He starts shaking his head in denial of my request. – You have to stop my suffering and then leave.

He looks at me with confusion in his eyes until realization hits him. Then it’s silvery horror.

There’s no way I’m doing THAT! – I knew he’d say that.

You have to and there’s nothing wrong with you doing it. You’ll save me that way, save me from more suffering, more pain. – He won’t just leave so he needs to understand there’s no way I’m making it. – You’ll be saving me Jake! You know it won’t be long ’til they find us and even if, by some miracle, they don’t find us we won’t be getting out of here soon and I won’t make it anyway. – The talking intensifies the pain and I wince, let out a small cry, and is the perfect timing, It’ll help convince him. – The only thing you can do for me right now is to shorten the suffering. End this pain for me. Help me and get out of here right after.

– No! Stop it! I won’t do that, I can’t… do THAT! Please don’t ask me to. I can’t. – He whispers. He’s desperate. I bet my face mirrors the pain desperation in his. I AM pained and desperate. We don’t have much time.

– Don’t think of it that way. Can’t you see? It’ll happen eventually, you’ll only make it quicker. The pain is getting much worse, I won’t be able to hold the cries for much longer. – I’m not lying and he knows it.

When did his face get so wet? There are so many tears. I wish I had the strength to lift my hand and wipe off the tears, to hold his cheek for the last time.

– Please. – I’m begging him. Because I’m that desperate. I can barely hear my voice. – Please! You know I’m right.

There’s only pain in his face now. He knows he has to do it.

– We’ll both go then.

– What?

 I’ll end your pain and then I’ll end mine.

– No! No! No no no no no no. You can save yourself, you can still get out of here.

 I won’t be able to live with myself and you know it. Stop. – He says when I try to speak again. – No matter what you tell me, I’ll never be able to think of it as saving you. You’ll only make the pain worse if you try, I can see it makes it worse if you speak. It’ll only be my hand ending your life and I CAN’T live with that, I WON’T!

I open my mouth to speak again but only a cry comes out and I close my eyes to try to control it. There’s so much pain, physical and emotional. I open my eyes again and his are still fixed on me. Now I can feel my face wet as well (When did that happen? When did we start crying?). My vision is blurry. There are so many tears. Why did he have to come save me? It would’ve been only me, now he’ll die too. He knows I can’t object him anymore. I have no more energy left. It’s either screaming or breaking my teeth and bleeding my tongue trying to keep it inside. Oh god, why can’t you make him see he needs to live?

– I love you. – No, please no.

I mouth the words back, still grinding my teeth over my tongue to hold the screams. He smiles. It’s a sad smile, tragic.

– We’re just like Romeo and Juliet now, aren’t we?.

I huff a laugh and let a little cry out right after. Wince at the pain it caused, but mentally thank him for trying to make it less sad. Then I see it in his eyes. Determination. He squeezes my hand even tighter and leans down to kiss me. The last kiss. And then there’s no more pain. Just darkness, numbness, nothingness.

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